Dear Steve and Shirley,
My partner and I have been off and on for a few years. He’s a great man, but he loves women. According to our therapist, he’s trying to be monogamous. I am 51 years old, and I have never heard of someone needing therapy just to be faithful.
He has called me someone else’s name during sex twice and tried to play it off both times. My name is not Keisha or Tawana. When I confronted him, he said he called me Keisha because I “act ghetto from time to time.” But that excuse made no sense, especially since it happened in the middle of sex.
Then he said Tawana was just a “cute nickname” for me, which is why he called me that. My name is Shanda. I told him to stop playing with me because one day, I was either going to snap on him or disappear for good.
Things got better for a couple of weeks. He stopped saying other women’s names during sex, and counseling seemed to be working. He even sent me a text that wasn’t meant for me, but it was nothing major—just about the halftime show. He claimed it was meant for his brother. He was doing the work the therapist told him to do.
He gave me access to his phone, space in his closet, and even a drawer in his bathroom. But last Sunday, he messed up again. He came home drunk while I was asleep in his bed. He cozied up next to me and asked, “Why didn’t you put your bonnet on?”
I have never slept with a bonnet.
After he fell asleep, I started looking for the bonnet. I found it in the guest bathroom, tucked inside a small box under the sink.
Was it Keisha’s bonnet? Or Tawana’s?
I want to be done with him, but the counselor says to hang in there. Is it time to disappear on him? Why can’t this man be monogamous?